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You see, weight loss is easy, just ask Jessica…

September 11, 2012

Before I begin this article, I want to be clear right up front….  I love Jessica Simpson.  I know I have said before I really like Oprah, and Kirstie Alley, and I admitted to having a thing for Jillian Michaels, and I said this right before pointing out how horribly these people have cheated you or misled you or just plain abused your trust.  Well, that isn’t going to happen here because I love Jessica and even if she was out to screw you, I would throw you under the bus to protect her.  Lucky that isn’t the case because she has done nothing wrong….  She is a good wholesome mother who just wants to be herself, only better…

And the even better thing is that she had ‘unfortunately’ gained 70 pounds with her pregnancy, which just makes her so much more lovable and human.  After hearing about her struggle to lose the weight after giving birth, Weight Watchers came to rescue and taught her the number system for foods so she could lose weight.  According to Weight Watchers:

“From the point when we started speaking with Jessica before she became pregnant, to now when she’s had baby Maxwell, Jessica has made clear her commitment to establishing a healthier lifestyle for herself and her family. We look forward to supporting Jessica as she embarks on this next chapter in her life.”

Oh… wait a minute…  She actually was in negotiations with Weight Watchers before she was even pregnant?!?!   …and she still ended up gaining 70 pounds during pregnancy?!?!  That doesn’t make any sense at all.  In the discussions with her, did they not tell her how many points a bagel is?  She says in numerous interviews that she thought all the baby weight would go with the baby.  She was repeatedly meeting with Weight Watchers… didn’t anyone tell her?   Sure, someone cynical could imagine that the 70 pound gain was an attempt to inflate the appearance of weight loss… could there have been an incentive to the weight gain/loss? I actually don’t know because all I know about her contract is what some source recently told US Weekly, which apparently is that:

Simpson’s contract requires a 20- to 30-pound loss by the end of August or no payday

The specificity of the details from that source (give or take 10 pounds) lets me know that I shouldn’t hold my breath to learn any other parts of the contract, other than the contract is worth $3 to $4 million!!  I guess though if they weren’t talking about  local meeting locations or revisions to the points plus system for 2012 for the months while they were in discussions with her, there must be a lot of details to the contract that probably involve payments for weight gains and losses.  Even how much weight she gained was a little unclear, as some reports have it at 50 or 60 pounds, not 70.  The thing is, I would like to ask Weight Watchers to reveal the contract.  After all, they are using that contract to snow so many people into signing up for their program, it would only be fair to know what incentives their spokesmodel had for losing weight…

Whatever, Jessica had struggled just like every other woman who has gained weight during pregnancy and has to lose it.  Well, almost like every other woman, except for the fact that she could enjoy knowing that each ice cream sundae she was putting away during the third trimester might bring her a cool $100,000.  Not too sure whenever I have binged that I could find any upside, instead of that feeling of self disgust…  Still, if you listen to the rhetoric from Weight Watchers, or hear Jessica’s disturbingly cute slightly vacuous southern drawl, it is clear that she is just like you.  According to Time magazine in reference to Jessica Simpson on the first episode of the Katie Show:

It was a trademark daytime-TV moment: the story of a Woman Who Is Just Like You, except that she’s not at all. Much of Katie’s audience can identify with trying to shed baby weight, not to mention the body-image pressure placed on women. But when Katie asked Simpson, “How do you focus on losing weight and taking care of your baby, because they’re both very demanding jobs, right?” you had to assume that being paid a zillion dollars to lose the weight probably helps. The balancing act continued when Katie brought out Simpson’s Weight Watchers coach, who, Katie said, “helped me lose a few L-B’s as well. She works with plenty of normal people though. Not that we’re not normal, but…”

It was her first interview by the way, so you can’t fault her for forgetting that she is supposed to pretend to be a normal person.  So, they even brought out her Weight Watchers coach.  How cool.  Apparently her independent trainer and most likely nutritionists and chefs weren’t available.  The best news is that the specialty Weight Watchers coach that the celebs get (Katie and Jessica) also does from time to time slum it up with us normal people.

I have been checking with Weight Watchers to see if I, or an every day average woman who say, has just given birth, will have the same resources that Jessica had.  So far I haven’t found her incentives, but I am still looking.  According to their website you will get:

An integrated approach emphasising good eating choices, healthy habits, a supportive environment and exercise.
A plan that allows you to eat what you like, with an emphasis on nutrition and advice on staying satisfied by choosing the foods you enjoy.
A sensible plan to help you lose weight at a healthy rate plus the knowledge and info you need to help you keep it off for good.
A time-tested approach informed by analysing years of scientific studies.
A food plan that can adapt to any lifestyle or unique needs.

Those all look like awesome things, but I can’t find the 3 to 4 million dollar incentive that Jessica got.  Maybe it is in the small print.   Oh, and she has been training at a gym with a personal trainer.  Some guy named Harley Pasternak.  Apparently he is a celebrity trainer, which in this case means he trains celebrities, as opposed to the other celebrity trainers who we see all the time who really just play trainers on TV…  I am guessing he doesn’t come cheap.  I wonder, does my Weight Watchers membership give me training sessions with a personal trainer?  I will have to ask them.  I do wonder though, do I have the same access to my coach as she did?  Does Weight Watchers care as much about my weight loss as hers?  Was she eating those little Weight Watcher meals that I can get in the freezer section of my grocery store?  Oh, well, I am sure that isn’t too important, what is important is that I can do the exact same program as Jessica!!

Well, the interview was just filmed in the last few days and she looks good.  She has apparently lost over 40 pounds!! CAAA-CHING!!!  Time to start running the ads (The ad was filmed just two months after having her child) and run the magazine article at the start of this page.

I just love her screwed up mouth thing… so cute…  She is sooo real, just a real girl in the real world…  Okay, lay off people, seriously.  She is awesome and make no mistake, I would sell you out for $4 million.  This blog would be the Vitamin Water and Triple Whopper with Cheese diet blog if someone was willing to give me $4 million. I must say though, Weight Watchers has done a great job of bringing all of this together in perfect timing.  Very well orchestrated….

Don’t fault me for finding this irresistible…

That said, Weight Watchers is a pretty good program.  They are definitely getting their value with Jessica.  After all, the first episode of the Katie Curic show played like an infomercial for Weight Watchers.  How much would an ad like that cost (they even played the ad apparently)?  So, who is losing here?  Well, I guess we are.  The people who want to believe that we can lose 70 pounds in just months.  The people who want to think that the weight will just melt off when we join Weight Watchers.  The people who at the end of the day, buy the magazines, watch the shows and then pay money for things that are nowhere near as effective as we want to believe.  Obviously celebrity spokesmodels are a joke.  They know that they are totally different from you.  They don’t even think of you as being the same.  You are normal, they aren’t, they are super.  They know that.  They get paid millions of dollars in cash to lose weight and that is beyond the millions of other incentives they have.  It would be literally INSANE to join Weight Watchers because Jessica Simpson tells you it works.  That is like taking investment advice from a lottery winner.  Of course, when you struggle to lose weight without the incentives you will just have to grant that these celebrities are just better than you, they are super and you are just pathetically normal….  After all, Kirstie Alley, Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Hudson, they had no problems losing weight.

Ironically this all just proves how smart Kirstie Alley is.  She put on all of that same weight as apparently intentionally as Jessica Simpson, but rather than take a $4 million dollar payday (which she previously did for Jenny Craig), she smartly created a ridiculous pink drink and sold it herself.  She used her brand to make money for her and only her.  Unfortunately her insane program appears to be of almost no value, at least no value that I can find, whereas Weight Watchers has a lot of thought behind it.

Please, I keep saying stop buying magazines and programs that are recommended by celebrities.  That may not be enough.  Let them know how upset you are that they are lying to you and using huge contracts and celebrities to dupe you out of your money.  At some point this has to stop.  We just can’t be this stupid, can we?

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