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Awoooga!! Awoooga!!

January 3, 2012

Watch out… it looks like the warning I recently gave you wasn’t enough…  I have since ended up with 4 more Chocolate Oranges and 2 more huge boxes of Toffifee…  Turns out either the supermarkets bought WAY more candy than they could unload or all of the people of Vancouver were smart enough to heed my warning to stay away because I was at the supermarket on the 2nd of January and this is what I saw:

I couldn’t capture all of the Candy that was on super discount with just one photograph, so I made sure I got the deal on Toffifee front and center.  You get 48 of those suckers for $2.25!!  That is less than $0.05 each!!  I am not sure about the math, but I think they are paying me to take them out of their store, and I was more than happy to oblige.

What I am saying is that it still isn’t safe to go back to the Supermarkets…..  They didn’t sell out all their candy.  I hate to have to admit this but, I am sick… very sick…  I cannot resist these temptations.  At least they won’t be around the house much longer at the rate I am eating them, but I will need to work out hard to burn them off.   That is going to be difficult too…

A Little Background

I have big goals for this year.  Huge.  This will be my fittest year yet and I want to start it right.  I intended to be at Crossfit this morning for the 9:15 class.  I love crossfit!  The problem with that plan is that I am actually enjoying snowboarding now as well.  I took it up last year so I could learn along with my kids.  I ski, and I am not bad at it, but I have never snowboarded.  I always wanted to.  I remember I had just heard of it way back when I was in University and I always meant to go, but I never did.  So last year I gave it a shot and you know what?  It SUCKED!!  It was so hard.  Even standing up with both feet on the board is nearly impossible for a 42 year old man.  I was so glad that I lost the weight that I had because if I was overweight it would have been honestly impossible.  Turns out it isn’t just hard for us guys.  I met a couple girls up on the mountain that were learning and I was helping them with some tips and one of the girls, in her twenties or thirties couldn’t get up from sitting either.

Once you can slide down the mountain leaning back on the heel edge of your board, snowboarding isn’t that hard.  You don’t look good and you do take some brutal falls when you catch the toe edge, but sliding down the mountain (I call it grinding) is easier than skiing.  So, I was sliding down on my heel edge and then learned to do my toe edge going back and forth across the mountain, but switching between the two was quite honestly a mystery.  My kids loved it though so I kept at it (secretly skiing with my brother when the kids weren’t around).  Right before Christmas the kids and I went up Grouse and got a private lesson from this awesome teacher Natalie.  She taught us all how to snowboard better and it was the best money that I ever spent.

I cannot recommend private lessons enough.  You don’t need many and almost all of the work is done on your own in practice, but to get corrections in your style and to get techniques that may be beyond you, a private lesson from time to time, in anything you are learning, is priceless.  So, I learned how to do C turns and S turns.

On new Years Day the kids and I hit the slopes again.  Starting the year off right: out and active.  I was getting quite good at the S curves: There are 4 combinations or C turns that make up the S turns: toe right to heel left, to toe right and heel right to toe left to heel right, and I was ‘essing’ down the hill with one of them and when it wasn’t too slippery I was only wiping out from time to time.  Long story short, we ended up going down some runs that were a little too sleep and slippery and I stupidly thought I could S Turn where I shouldn’t have and now I have sprained my ankle (don’t ask me how I too thought that was an unlikely injury for snowboarding).  The spill I took was humiliating as can be and was dramatic enough to deserve an entry all too itself (with descriptions of out of control sliding, snow going where snow should never go and that panicky feeling of speeding up against all possible odds and interventions).  When the witnesses (and oh god there had to be witnesses, didn’t there) asked if I was alright, I said, ‘Of Course, just let me get up’, but of course I was really thinking, ‘Oh Sweet Mother Of God, please let my ankle work until I can get off this mountain without a stretcher and I will burn a goat in sacrifice to your kindness’.  It was brutal.  I have no idea what damage I did snowboarding for the next half an hour to get through the necessary runs to get off the mountain, but I certainly didn’t do it any favors (I did cinch up the binding and boot to excruciating tightness to minimize the movement though).

I am such an idiot.  Why I can’t admit when I am hurt I will never know.  As well, I probably shouldn’t be taking up snowboarding at my age, but to tell you the truth, I think I might have caught some sort of snowboarding bug because right now I can’t wait to get back up there and get better at those S turns until I am flying straight down the hill…  Those jumps and ledges at the terrain park look awesome too…  So it may be a few days until I am back at Crossfit (I hope it won’t be long, but I can’t move my ankle yet and the thing we call walking-not so much hobbling-is a distant hope, so it might be awhile).

Still, a sprained ankle is a small price to pay for how much fun I have been having.

This is the run I have been doing well on by the way, it isn’t the demon run that I hurt myself on….

Back to the Story:

I was in the supermarket in the first place to get some candy for the movies.  I was taking the kids to ‘We Bought A Zoo’ and we were trying to get a reasonable amount of candy for a movie.  We decided not to get popcorn at the movies and instead get a bit of candy before we got there.  Eating and the movies is never easy because in the theatres they sell massive bags of candy and bales of popcorn in portions that are baffling.  There is nothing even approaching small (Ebert thinks this is one of the reasons movies are losing viewers) .  You would need to band together with three or four families just to split one of their family packs, and that is only if you took advanced mathematics in University and figured out if there is some sort of cost savings on the bundle or if you are actually paying more.  We figured we could get some candy at the bulk section of the Supermarket and thus show restraint and still enjoy the movies (and get myself a compression wrap for my ankle as well).

It was a great strategy but I forgot one part.  I sent the kids to get A REASONABLE amount of candy at the bulk candy aisle while I hobbled over to the pharmacy section to get a Tensor bandage (most of you are seeing the problem already but it is amazing what you miss when you are in blinding pain).  When we met up at the cash register I had boxes of Toffifee and Chocolate Oranges and the kids had amassed a lot of bulk candy.  At this point even I had realized my error.  Never send your kids to the bulk candy section without an adult escort.  Obviously what I feel is a reasonable amount of candy and what they feel is a reasonable amount of candy is distinctly different.  Knowing that I had to get across the parking lot to the movie theatre still and drop off the big boxes of candy at the car on the way, I just went with the quantities they bought (after chiding them at length).

So, this entry has 2 warnings, not just the one.

#1.  Stay out of super markets for awhile.  They are still overburdened with the ridiculously tasty candies that you should only eat at Christmas (if even then).

#2.  Don’t let your kids determine for themselves what a reasonable amount of candy is.  They are kids.

In conclusion

In conclusion, supermarkets are bad… very bad places, because aside from that above findings, I also found this:

A new entry for the Crappy Magazine Cover of the Month (Yay, I think!!)  I Would have to go back through last years tallies to see if Us is back on top, but if not, they are close with this entry.  Weren’t they the ones last year with the cover message of, ‘We have found real diets that actually work’, or something to that effect.  I almost like these covers because they admit that they have been scamming us all along.

US Magazine: Okay, okay, you got me… I know I have been selling you false hope and none of these diets work.  True, I love any chance I get to put a beautiful girl in a bikini on the cover of my magazine and I know you will buy it.  But unlike the last 20 or thirty magazines I have sold you, this one is real.  Seriously, the real deal right here.  And you can have the secrets of the stars…  No, I am not lying!  Seriously, we know the stars and they secretly shared with us their… ummm… their secrets… ya…  Secrets to a flat belly fast.

Us: Really?  I don’t know, you have lied to me a lot in the past…

US MAGAZINE: I know… I know… but not this time.  You and I both know that all of the stars have secrets that they only share amongst themselves.  You think J Lo was born with those legs?   Did you think Rihanna got those abs in the gym?  How about Pippa and that but?  There are real secrets and you can have them.

Us: That seems odd.  If there were secrets wouldn’t each of those girls have each others legs, but and abs?  What about your cover model.  Wouldn’t every star use the secrets to have Kim Kardashian’s body?

US MAGAZINE: Well you are just going to have to trust us with this.  After all, we are including the exact meal plans.

Us:  I am pretty sure you don’t get bodies like those with meal plans.  Will my legs get longer?

US Magazine:  Look, if this fails, we also have a whole section on how to dress 10 lbs lighter…

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