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Well played David Zinczenko…

April 27, 2010

The ongoing battle of words between David Zinczenko and myself has just escalated.  As in any war, there really are no winners here, just losers and this last brilliant move by my opponent has me reeling…  I am offering to stop the carnage, to end this bloody battle.  As a peace offering I put forward the following proposal:

David, if I apologize for calling you a douchebag, will you please go back to 6 pack abs?

Who knew I would be fondly reminiscing over 6 pack abs so soon.  It feels like just yesterday when they were all the rage.  It seemed like every magazine cover was offering you six pack abs, quickly and easily.  But 6 packs are clearly so easy to have, now the in thing is 8 pack abs!  I guess too many people were following the Abs diet and are now ready to move on and David Zinczenko is ready to deliver.

I am sorry that I pushed you to 8 pack abs, I had no idea that you were so sensitive.  I had no idea that you would escalate things so quickly.  I really thought that for someone who churns out so much crap, you really would laugh about it and shake it off.  Sort of like that scene from the end of National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.  Do you remember the scene where Eddie has  Clark’s boss brought over to Clark’s house to answer for not giving Clark a bonus, but instead entering him in the ‘Jelly of the Month’ club?  I would have just embedded the scene from YouTube, but I couldn’t find it.  In any case, at the end of the scene, the SWAT break through the windows and in the front door and the boss is explaining what has happened and he says something to the effect of, ‘I was a total douchebag for cheeping out on the bonuses and Clark here called me on it, so everything is fine’.  I could even imagine a friendly police officer standing there and looking at the six pack abs covers and saying to David Zinczenko, “That’s pretty low, mister! If I had a rubber hose, I would beat you into a…”.

Well, that was not to be and I am clearly over matched in this battle.  Mr. Zinczenko has kindly indicated to me with the 8 pack abs warning shot he has just sent over my bow that 12 pack abs are next in this escalation.  On my side in this war, I only have about 2000 followers, self righteousness and the belief that we as consumers know better than to buy crap…  On his side, millions of followers, hundreds of thousands of people who pay money for the very same magazine I keep complaining about, and books… more books than you can shake a stick at…  I think suing for peace may be a good strategy for me at this point.

Thank you for the warning David Zinczenko… again, I will apologize to you, if you promise to limit the number of “packs in ab offers” to 6 or less.  I think this is fair? Don’t you?  Just drop me a line, either in my email or here in the comments and we can reach terms for a detente.

I am more than willing to end this now, before David Zinczenko pushes abs beyond any modern anatomical understanding.  What is the limit David?  10 packs? 12 packs?  no… not… 16 pack abs!!

By the way David, how do you count the number of packs in an ab?  I had no idea the genius I was up against.  This man knows no limits.  Nothing will slow him down, nothing will get in the way of his marketing prowess… not physics, not anatomy, nothing.  Here is a man whose amplifier goes up to 11!  I also love that fat melting foods aren’t good enough, because those, well, they just melt fat and then what are you left with… nothing, but these 30 meals, they create instant muscles!!!

So David, do we have a truce?  Are we going to stop this time consuming, energy sapping war of words so we can both get back to the business at hand?  For me, helping those unfit people in society understand what things may work for them to get fitter, and for you I am guessing, putting on your new Ed hardy shirt and white belt and boarding your Citation, for this weekends Rehab at the Hard Rock.

Ryan Phillippe, I don’t even know who you are, clearly you are extremely fit (although the inside of your arm nearest your abs appears to be horribly misfigured, I am sorry for whatever happened to you to bring this about), but seriously, if you allow people to take photos of you with that hoody on your head, you sir are a douche (unless you are a boxer, in which case, you are still a douche, but that may be part of your persona).

4 Comments leave one →
  1. sql permalink
    April 28, 2010 7:58 pm

    Thank you. Is anyone else talking common sense anymore? Guys that are capable of a ‘six-pack’ in the near future already know how to get it. They are already at the gym. They are already tweaking their diet. work-results… work-results… tweak! … work…results work…results and so on.

    Those guys don’t and won’t buy a mag with an ‘8-pack’ on the cover. The only people who will buy it are people who feel desperate. The same people that bought the 6-pack mag.

    Like women, they buy the mag because of the article about the ‘789 best sex, nutrition and fitness moves ever!!!! ‘ or so they say. Women buy the ‘lose 20 pounds-in-10 days!’ mag with an article about finding the right swimsuit to accentuate your body type. (((if I can’t lose 20 pounds, is there a suit to camo my big butt?)))

    • Raysel permalink
      October 3, 2011 5:27 am

      Very well said! I can’t agree more!

  2. Kent permalink
    August 16, 2010 10:41 am

    Great article! I was always posting comments to David’s Yahoo “Eat the, not that!” crapola until Yahoo realized that most of the comments being posted by readers were clearly negative towards Mr. Zinczenco. And don’t apologize. DZ is a douchebag!

  3. gorgeous'kay permalink
    April 22, 2015 2:21 pm

    Great packs

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